Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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