He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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