Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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