My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize