ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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