chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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