My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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