He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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