My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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