My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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