Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
