Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
