So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize