I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
