I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
