textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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