So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
