Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
