i wish there were pregnant emoticons
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My bed smells like the plague
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