I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
