this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
