is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
someone owes me an orgasm
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize