Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
