I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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