remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
