soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
