Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
