They should really pass out barf bags in church
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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