After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i will never coherently bang her
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
