Sry I called you an 8
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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