everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
it's like iHOP with fire
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
A bitchslap is in order.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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