I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
