When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
