here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
