i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize