Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This baby is an asshole
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
