just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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