Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize