Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
