So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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