I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
