dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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