I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
