so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
