i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
