corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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