Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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