Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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