I faked an abortion last night.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
