im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
