peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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