I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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