I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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