so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize