Please don't use social media to get back at me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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