Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
