I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and she was petting her beer can
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
