On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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