When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
