Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
