I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It was a blind-side dick pic.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
