3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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