i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
