his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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