Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
