Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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