Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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