Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
