there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i've created a new STD.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
