I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
