You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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